Life of Regret
by crizarah
Summary: It's a little ironic, really. How one takes for granted what one has until they lose it. And ultimately leads to...Living a life of regret...


**(Please forgive the crappiness…and irrelevance…and weirdness…you'll hopefully see the point of this when I get around to updating Namida Nai…)**

_**.::A Life of Regret::.**_

_**Hatake Kakashi**_

"You're going to end up sick if you continue to stay out like this," I told the twelve-year-old kunoichi standing a few feet from me. "It would be really weird if a medic-nin gets sick in the rain."

"Medic-nin turned ANBU," she corrected, turning to face me. Her red, puffy eyes were evidence enough that she had been crying earlier. Also, her normally bright blue eyes were dull and lifeless and her voice sounded dead. "I'm really…sorry…"

I shook my head. "It wasn't your fault you got promoted as ANBU."

"I should've been there…" From the softness of her voice, one could tell that she was trying not to sob out the words. "If I had, Obito…He might not have…"

My hand automatically went to comfort her, and I hugged her to protect her from the rain and the emotional turmoil she was having. Her voice hitched when she repeated her statement and soon, a gush of tears was coming from her sky blue orbs. I tightened my grip on her, reassuring her, because her sobs were like knives to my chest.

"Let's go. We can't let the Utachiwa Clan heiress get drenched in the rain," I coaxed and soon, we were back in the Utachiwa Clan House.

**LIFEOFREGRET**

A week later, I had a very peculiar dream. It was of her and I doing…things. I did not know what had gotten to me. Sure we were close in that sense but I had _**never**_ even fascinated doing **that.** I had too much respect for her.

"Kakashi? You seem troubled," she commented as we walked toward the city gates.

"Eh? Oh, don't mind me Shin-Shuna," I said, messing her shoulder-length wavy chestnut hair, her silver highlights in particular. I just hoped I could convince her. Being the Utachiwa heiress, she had near to scary perception, even for a ninja.

"Oi, Lovebirds! Let's go! Minato-sensei's waiting for us!" Rin hollered ahead.

"Hai, hai."

Roughly three months later, Rin followed Obito. I could see Shin-Shuna's growing hatred for senseless war (but then again, who liked war?). Couldn't blame her. Most of her clan members were sent to the frontlines due to their clan's skills and kekkai genkai.

I knew for a fact that she needed a companion, us being the only two of the three remaining members of our team, so I looked for her. I tried the training grounds, expecting to see her training her rear end off as she had done when Obito died. She wasn't there but I found her in her next favorite place, near the Nakano River. She was there, just watching the water rush by; her black kimono horribly drenched, proving that she had swam with them on. **(1)**

I sat down wordlessly beside her and sat we sat in comfortable silence until I felt her head on my shoulders. I smiled a bit. What a swim she must have had, having to do it in her many layers of clothing, and how many laps she must have done…

"Kakashi, I'll be leaving on a private mission for my clan. I think it'll take a while." I looked at her and frowned. It was the day after I saw her at the river. "Don't worry, it won't take long."

I sighed, knowing that there'd be no way around it. "Be careful."

"Aa."

**LIFEOFREGRET**

"Were the Uchiha's accommodating?" I asked with a grin. Shin-Shuna, was tasked by her mother to see the said clan to sign an agreement of trade (again) and to see the newborn Uchiha Sasuke. "Would you want to spend more of your working hours with them now, or would you still want to be working with the sadistic Ibiki-san?"

"Uchiha Fugaki is what you would expect from the head of the police," she stated, stretching on the bench before completely lying down on it – or more accurately, on my lap, since I was seated at the other end. "And yes, I'd take on Ibiki-san anytime."

I continued smiling, scrutinizing the exhausted face she had. Actually, we were similar in that aspect, though I doubt it was the same reason. I had that dream again, a few months ago…and it was really starting to bother me. Twice already I had those dreams…

"So how's the kid?"

"If you can call Itachi a kid," she retorted playfully. I chuckled and played with her hair while she laid there, her eyes closed. "I'll be gone for a while. Private mission."

I frowned. "Again? How long?"

"I don't really know." She opened her eyes and looked into mine. She then surprised me by snaking her arms around my neck and saying something so random, it seemed almost uncharacteristic of her to say it. "Kakashi, please tell me you won't leave me…"

All worry forgotten, I nodded and leaned in. It was the first real kiss that we shared – and the last, as it turned out.

**LIFEOFREGRET**

Shin-Shuna came back a whole year later and I felt betrayed. She made me promise such things and yet…

I grabbed her when I saw the recently-turned-fifteen-year-old heiress. The clouds parted, letting the crescent moon illuminate the features, that, until recently, I adored every bit of.

"Shin-Shuna, tell me the twins aren't yours!" I tried hard not to sound pleading but I doubted I was successful. She was silent, escalating my fear and apprehension. _Say it. Please._

She placed her hand on my cheek, her expression as soft as her voice. "…Kakashi…"

"Shin-Shuna, please…" Now I did not care whether I begged, nor did I try hiding the tears that threatened to spill. She was only fourteen! Fifteen if you will, but still…! I've heard of some members of her clan bearing offspring in their teenage years due to their mysterious and age-old customs but…She was so young, and I knew her. I knew for a fact that she would fight whatever tradition that made her do things she knew would result in things she did not want. She'd fight for me…_won't she? _My breath caught in my throat when she finally responded.

"Kakashi, the last thing I'd want to do right now is to lie to you."

The truth dropped down on me like a waterfall of water. "Who…?" My voice cracked. "…Why?"

"Kakashi, please believe me when I say you had and will always have my heart and loyalty…" It was ridiculous and I could feel anger welling up inside me. _How dare she?_ "Let me explain please. But…"

"But?" By then, my teeth were grinding against each other and my nails were digging painfully into my skin.

She bit her lower lip, and frustration was visible in her eyes, but I was too worked up at that time to notice. "I…I can only tell you…when…Kakashi…They…" She let out a deep breath. If I had not been too angered then, it would have probably registered that that was the first time she acted like that. "I can only tell you when the time comes…When…All of us are ready…"

What little restrain and patience I had left completely evaporated with her words. Rather than stay to see the traitor's tear-streaked face, I walked away from her. Literally and figuratively.

**LIFEOFREGRET**

I think it was Minato-sensei, who died in the process of saving the village a few months after _she_ left, whose habit it was to joke about _her _and me. Seriously, however I try to distance myself from _her_, I find myself doing the exact opposite because of the given circumstances. Even if _she_ was spending most of her time with her training or her twins, we always ended up getting paired up for assassination missions. Even if Sandaime knew of our situation, he could not do anything about it as our skills "naturally complement each other" and that "we were the ones most suited for the job at hand".

It was like that for two years until I was promoted as ANBU. To my annoyance, I was in _her_ squad – or former squad as it turned out. She had taken her place as a Jounin again, and it was later we found out that it was because she was appointed Head of her clan already.

I was not surprised to see her once when I was doing my groceries (A ninja still has to eat, you know) and running some errands. We stood looking at each other, not saying anything. If I remember correctly, she was going to say something but I pretended to be interested in the next book I saw displayed at the bookstore and rushed for it. The book did not actually appeal to me, but I bought it because _she_ was looking over. Once a ninja, always a ninja; and ninja are supposed to do their job of discretion, so I bought it. I bought a book called "Come Come Paradise". (It was sort of disturbing but when I read it, I thought I should buy the next in the series...It was authored by one of the Sannin as well.)

What surprised me was when I saw _her_ training the elder of her twins and Uchiha Itachi. A sixteen-year-old ANBU-turned-Jounin training a seven-year-old Academy Student was normal enough, but a _two-year-old girl_ as well? Who teaches kids that age to throw shuriken and kunai?

The same Uchiha graduated from the Academy _six months_ after he entered and became a genin. The girl, Mizushi, entered when she was three, as both _she_ and I did, but graduated after a mere_ four months._ What had she been teaching those kids?

The younger twin, they said, was going to receive the same training at an older age. They said that Sandaime had ordered the postponing. They said that at least she should be able to relish her childhood, devoid of training and the stress of high-ranking ninja life. You could barely imagine my shock when I found out that the early training was requested by the elder twin herself.

Mizushi then proceeded to break records, have a _very_ successful ninja career, and generally went on impressing the whole continent without even trying. Yes, continent. She was one of the reasons why Konoha came back to grace after Orochimaru's betrayal. The young kunoichi shocked the whole ninja community when she became a genin, took the nearest Chuunin Selection Exam, and passed. By four, she was promoted to Jounin level and by five, she was the youngest ANBU member. _That girl was seriously amazing._

Almost everybody seemed drawn to her, myself included. I don't know the others' reasons but I knew mine. It was because she kept a low profile even if she was one of the best – much like me. Behind the usually reserved attitude she had that resembled that of much older and mature ninja, there was a girl bubbling with curiosity and a keenness to learn something new everyday. And few people get to know about that side of her.

I don't know about Itachi but I considered myself lucky because I was one of those few, just as he was. But considering the history of her mother and I, I found it weird when Itachi, Mizushi, and I came to hang out at the Nakano River or to train together often.

"Ne, Kakashi-san, Itachi-san, I want to show you something," Mizushi said eagerly and started pulling us. The corners of my lips curled up. With the picture of pure innocence and youth in front of me, it was really hard to think that she could kill with such cold-blood. So much for innocence.

"Calm down Mi-chan," Itachi said with a light voice that I knew he reserved only for her. We had the same tone when we were trying not to chuckle at the girl's childish antics. "Where are we going?"

For an answer, the young ANBU stopped just outside her house, mercifully a walk away from her mother's. **(2)** She pointed to the plant in front of us. It was the main part of the vast garden just outside one of her sliding doors. I recognized it immediately, having seen something like it that belonged to _her. _Also, it had been one of the subjects we had to study at the Academy.

The Mirth Tree was planted when a new member of the Utachiwa Clan was born, and like their hair, it was said to give the general background, measure of strength and skill of the user, and even their emotions. Mizushi's tree smelled refreshingly like pines and apples and its trunk was already becoming thick. The branches swayed, rustling the peculiar blue leaves. At random places, there were pure white seven-petal flowers.

I knew then what the excited girl wanted to do. She wanted to show us how she channeled the first sprays of color to her still-white flowers. I saw that Itachi was amused and I was too. Usually, members of her clan wouldn't do the channeling unless they were very sure that they could control their chakra flow very well and that they had more than the standard/normal amount of chakra to keep the channeling continuous, not until they were over fifteen.

But then again, since when did Mizushi stick to tradition?

I watched in fascination as the light blue chakra glowed around her and travel from her outstretched fingers to the center of the trunk, where it continued to spread. Mizushi's eyes were shut in concentration, not noticing her mid-back-length hair had started to float, and ever-so-slowly, the color of her chakra began to take on a different hue of blue, somewhat darker and tinged with black and purple.

When she was done, she turned to face us with a proud smile, which Itachi and I returned. Then, to our shock, she keeled down unconscious.

"Use of too much chakra," I whispered when I confirmed it. I sighed in relief. "Ne, Itachi, would you mind bringing her in? I think Sandaime Hokage wanted to see me."

The Uchiha prodigy nodded, but we both knew that I wasn't going to the Hokage's office.

'_Kakashi-san, why would you leave just because you felt the presence of Shin-Shuna-hime-sama?_' he thought before taking the unconscious girl in.

From where she was standing in the shadows, Shin-Shuna looked forlorn. The scene was already familiar, done many times in the past. So similar but still so painful. _'Now that I can explain, you won't let me near…How am I supposed to tell you why I left?'_

**LIFEOFREGRET**

Just as I was starting to think that the young Utachiwa Mizushi should be the rightful receiver of the attention I had neglected to continue giving her mother, something came up that took that off from my mind. Perhaps some_one_ would be a more accurate term.

It was in the middle of Mizushi's fifth year, weeks after the Mirth Tree incident, when _he_ came. By 'he', I meant Mizushi's _two-year-older brother._ The rage, frustration and betrayal I felt were immeasurable. If Shin-Shuna had her twins at fourteen…

Everyone agreed that Utachiwa Shiro had the same attitude that Mizushi did. Even though no one had ever seen him in Konoha, they said that he was already at a rank higher than Mizushi's. These kids never ceased to amaze. One look at his deep violet hair and his sky blue eyes that so looked like his mother's made me feel…something. It's not easy to describe but it was not unpleasant.

Then I noticed the many silver highlights on his hair. Actually, they were not highlights anymore because it covered nearly half of his hair. Taking the legends about Utachiwa hair into consideration, it was almost scary to think that Shiro appeared to be stronger than Shin-Shuna herself.

Itachi told me that Shiro had once risked his life for the safety of his younger sister on a mission. Both of us deducted that he would probably kill for his sister. Not a very nice thought, but considering how sweet it was…

"So young and yet so caring," I murmured. "So young yet so aware. So innocent yet so cold-blooded."

Some of the ironies of life were just not worth contemplating because they have no definite remedy. I sighed. The two shared a very strong bond that I doubted anything could break, and that was considering they had only seen each other in person recently. If I hadn't known better, I'd say the silver-and-purple-haired seven-year old and the blue-haired five-year old were my own.

Too bad they weren't.

**LIFEOFREGRET**

"It's been a long time."

I froze. I had not expected anyone to be at the KIA Memorial Stone and I had not felt anyone. Either I was too preoccupied or this person was extremely full of stealth. I opted for the latter.

"…Kakashi…"

I was right. I was startled when the flat, monotonous voice morphed into a low sweet one. I kept my face impassive. A familiar voice. _Hers. _

"Kakashi," she repeated. Here we go again with those attempts at conversations. How did she think that I can stand this?

"Too long," I replied curtly. Thank god for grueling ANBU training to control your emotions. If not for it, I would have run and gripped her in my arms until I could do so no more. _Damn those hormones._

"Will you let me talk?" It was the farthest we had gotten into this conversation. I never wanted to hear her voice again, trying to reason with me.

"You're talking."

"Explain?"

For an answer, I left. I had to content myself with what I already had because I did not want to destroy her relationship with her children and spouse, whoever he was (the lucky bastard). I wished that she would just see this and move on, just as I was trying, never to say another word about it. I did not want to trouble her anymore nor did I want to see her struggling like that.

_But neither did I cease to stop loving her._

**LIFEOFREGRET**

_We were stunned._

In front of us, the whole Utachiwa compound was in flames – _black flames that could not be put out by water._ The medic-nin immediately went to find survivors and heal them. The others then searched for the perpetrator of this heinous deed.

Instead, we found Mizushi on the ground. She was barely conscious and seemed to be in intense amount of pain. We took her to the hospital where we had to wait a full two weeks before she was fit enough to move and talk.

"You understand, of course, that we need to know who this person is. We need to know who was powerful enough to do this. The Utachiwa Clan was, is, one of the strongest in the continent and they are the kind that are not easily brought down. Mizushi, who did this? You are the only one left alive to tell us," the older members of the council coaxed.

The expression on Mizushi's face, her eyes especially, was the same one she had when she went out on high-ranking missions – cold, blank, impassive…devoid of any emotion. Even though, she clutched the sheets on her bed and the reply came through gritted teeth.

"Utachiwa Shiro."

**LIFEOFREGRET**

The bodies were never recovered. The fire burnt everyone to ashes. But weirdly, the structures were not. The only signs of the tragedy were the blood-spattered walls and the Great Fountain in the middle of the main house, which, instead of water, was gushing out blood. _Burning blood,_ in fact, that made it clear to people whose it had been – the strongest members of the once-powerful clan. It made my own boil in fury, just thinking of the possibility that Shin-Shuna's own may be flowing out of the aged stone fountain.

Due to psychological trauma that she may have, Mizushi was made to live with the Uchiha's but had constant visits from various people. Most people did it due to tremendous respect for her family and pity for the only survivor. Some do it because they are concerned for her well-being and others do it just for show. But my reasons were different.

It was the only way I could atone for all the mistakes I did to Shin-Shuna and her family…For not hearing her out when she had finally decided to explain…For not being able to stop this even from happening…

**LIFEOFREGRET**

_**I couldn't believe it.**_

I was standing on the edge of the cliff where, according to the only survivor of the Uchiha Massacre, Mizushi got impaled by a katana. She had then, allegedly, been thrown so carelessly into the Kawashi, ensuring her death.

The Utachiwa Clan had died out, never to be revived.

It made me realize that I should have at least been able to hear the explanation she wanted me to know, not do some idiotic chivalric thing. Regret welled up inside me, and I cursed myself for the umpteenth time for not hearing Shin-Shuna out…For not sensing the change in Itachi…For letting this happen…

**LIFEOFREGRET**

Most people would have ended their misery then and there but I was not 'most people'. Suicide would have been too easy a way out, and I did not want to follow the path my father took. No, here I am, five years later, trying to find at least a suitable genin team.

For once, my wish was granted. I was given Cell Seven.

"**Osoi!"** came the usual greeting of my pink-haired and my blonde students.

"Sorry, a black cat crossed my path so—"

"Liar!" Naruto and Sakura shouted in chorus. It made me smile, how much they get along during times like these considering that Sakura was not that fond of the blonde Kyuubi vessel. Oops, did I just say that? Sorry, pretend I didn't. His generation wasn't supposed to know.

Sobering up just a tiny bit, I looked at my two other, more sensible and laid back students. Uchiha Sasuke and the new girl, Hanakura Kakoyomi. One was leaning against the tree, his hands in his pockets. The other one was reading a book, (non-ecchi, unlike the series I decided to follow since my bookstore incident with Shin-Shuna) leaning on her unoccupied hand.

"Let's go Kakashi-sensei," Yumi said before walking off, Sasuke following wordlessly.

'_They look like us don't you think?'_ I thought as I looked up at the sky. _'I just wish they won't end up the same…Living a life of regret all their life…'_

**1. Female Japanese royalty had to wear twelve layers of kimonos.**

**2. I don't really know if this applies to every clan but as far as I know, if the clan is rich enough, every member had a different house overlooking their own/part of the garden. The female servants had one house and the male servants had their house. The latter two were usually at the back of the Clan Zone. (Just felt like adding that one). Each house was connected by bridges. Might use the bridges in other one-shots or parts of stories…I dunno… :D**


End file.
